and compare it to the type of person I am today.
I know the me back then would say how stupid I am to let you go.
But the me today knows it was for the best.
Back then I would’ve fought to the ends of the earth for you.
It’s such a waste to throw away something so precious to us.
What I like about our relationship:
- Days and months past by but the distance and miles between us doesn’t change the connect in our hearts
- She still texts me every once in a while to check up on how I’m doing, I do the same.
- I know she’s still thinking of me every day, same way I do.
- We’re both not high maintenance and we’re both patient for each other.
- We understand that things may or may not work out, but we still keep each other first.
- Honestly and trust is not a problem for us.
- We have so much in common it’s ridiculously scary.
- Every time we talk, we can feel the genuine smile and laughter we put on each other’s face.
You would think each day would make us fall further apart, but each day is what we’re waiting for until the day we get to be with each other. She’s one of a kind— I want to be her even if I have to wait a million years.
1) I adore you so much.
2) There’s not a single day I don’t think of you.
3) I fall asleep thinking of you, sleep dreaming of you, and wake up missing you.
4) When I’m doing something, I wish you here doing it with me.
5) I wonder what you’re doing all the time.
6) How much my heart breaks when I message you and I get no response.
7) It’s so hard to focus on studying when all I’m really doing is counting down the days when I’ll be able to see you.
8) I’m still scared that you’ll find someone and I’ll be too late. But I still want you to be happy with whom ever and where ever, even if it’s without me.
9) You’re by far the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met— Inside and out.
10) I’m falling for you so hard and you don’t even notice it.
I seem to be able to forgive my ex’s.. After looking back at the pictures I still have of them and all the good and bad memories I seem to never be able to be mad at any of them, no matter all the pain I went through.. I know it’s healthy to make up and be friends with your ex’s, but in all honestly I still love all of them unconditionally even though I don’t want to be with them. My heart still cherishes the memories of them good and bad and I can never turn my back away from any of them. Stupid heart..
All I know is that every relationship I was ever in, I gave it my all and every time I talk to them about us before, we both agree on how special it use to be. But I feel like it was always me who had my own plans behind their back.. I always had some reason to beat myself down.. Telling myself I’m not good enough and they deserved someone better. I feel like this is just the type of person I am.. I’ll probably never deserve someone good enough but I know its just a matter of time till I find someone who does make me feel like I’m good enough, no matter how many times I beat myself down. My ex’s never did that for me but when the right person walks in, I hope she’ll be able to turn my world around.. Or I’ll just end up alone and honestly I don’t mind that either, but I know that would suck.
[April 10th, 2004 &June 28th, 2006. My best friend and first love] Cant find pictures :( So long ago..
What I learned through this relationship is that you can still be the best of friends forever.. She’s close to my heart and probably closer than family to me. I can’t explain how much this relationship has shaped who we both are today. I would never turn my back on her, after all the bullshit I put her through when she didn’t deserve it. I remember I was a bit of a jerk when I was younger and I honestly wished I could’ve done it differently but what we have now— probably best friend’s for almost a decade, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
[May 5th, 2008. The only girl I really saw a future with]
My relationship with this girl was probably one of the most unique of all.. We fell so quick, we skipped the friend stage. We went through so many struggles and conflicts.. I did so many things wrong and so many things right. I honestly did not know how she put through with all my crap but I knew how lucky I was to have had her in my life. This is why I had to let her go. It took us a very long while to connect back again— more like just last night.. But everything happens for a reason. She’s the only girl from what I remember I saw a future with and I was an idiot to have let her go, but I don’t regret it because it was all my doing. I was just a boy at the time and we both learned a lot coming out of the relationship.
[April, 8th 2010. The one that turned my life completely upside down]
Besides both of us driving each other crazy, We we’re on a totally different level of love— A level that not even words can ever explain.. We were best friends who had each other’s back, trusted and loved each other unconditionally, understood each other better than anyone else in the world, but the only problem was we weren’t ever satisfied with each other.. She swept me off my feet the same way I did to her and we loved each other the best we could but even love couldn’t keep us together.. I’ve probably learned the most out of this relationship that love takes a whole lotta work work and it’s takes two to make things work.. It’s sad every time I think about how we ended.. We both knew it wasn’t going to last, we both didn’t want it to end the way it did but we also both didn’t know how it was going to end either. Thing’s all happen for a reason I guess.. I told her I’ll always be here for her and have her back if she ever needs it.. too bad she’ll never understand this.
I do have someone special in my life at the moment but we live in totally different worlds.. more like different dimensions and universe.. I feel like she’s the perfect one for me, I honestly hope she does too, but how would we ever work? I feel our connection breaking apart as we’re too caught up in our own lives to even talk to each other.. I’m working my hardest to get out of this town and hopefully one day to her.. but that’s something only time will tell.
[I’m such a hopeless romantic.. -__-]
Late at night, when everyone falls asleep and the world is in their dreams, I’m still up dreaming and thinking about you.
How can I prove to her how much she means to me and how special she really is? I’ve been told that people can say this and that, explain and act, but if all else fails, nothing can mean anything more than a person telling the person they care for more in the world that they love them. This is how I truly feel for her and I’ve never been more sure in my life..
I want to tell her: “Iam.truly.madly.utterly.completly.inlove.withyou.” Our friends see it in our eyes, they can tell the way we talk about each other.. no doubt. I can say a million things to try to convince you that you are the one, but even you know better than anyone else that You and I fit more perfect than any stars aligned.
I hope one day we’ll be able to be with each other and my dreams will become a reality. Till then, I’ll always put you first in my heart, I just hope you do too.
I honestly don’t know how to explain exactly how I feel at the moment.
The empty feeling that’s been through me since I was a kid. The feeling that I’ve always been that annoying little boy that ran around talking all this and that, observing, analyzing, endless thoughts that no one can tell what is going on in that head.. My sign as a Scorpio says I’m mysterious, dark, sensitive, magnetizing. I feel like it’s true but in a bad way possibly..
Mysterious.. I have a hard time opening up. Perhaps that’s my mystery behind it all.. I find that it’s pointless to open my feelings, thoughts, and deep opinion about things since I figured what I thought doesn’t matter to anyone. I don’t feel like explaining my opinions or beliefs either. I dislike getting close to people because I don’t believe in becoming too connected or attached to people. If I was to die, I figured it’d be best if my friends didn’t have to linger about me for so long.. So it wouldn’t be as if I was a relevant part of their lives for the most part.
Dark.. I’ve never been a person to actually be loud or enjoy public events.. I enjoy hiding away from all things that make me anxious, pressured, or complicated. Perhaps the dark side of me is stopping me from doing things that everyone else is doing. But I honestly don’t care for things. I’ve always enjoyed being simple.
Sensitive.. I’ve learned that for people who have dated me, they know how sensitive I can be at times. Words are like bullets to my heart when coming from someone I care about so much. And I honestly can’t help but show emotion, we have them for a reason don’t we? Why is it just cuz we’re men we have to hide them all the time and put this rough fake exterior that we’re tough all the time? We are tough, we go through heartbreaks just as bad as anyone else does. I can’t handle liars when it comes to my heart, that’s just me. When my heart trusts so much, when it’s so vulnerable, words, especially bullshit, will shatter it into more than a million pieces.
Magnetizing? I never understood the type of person I am. I get a long with just about anybody. I’m always honest.. and I dislike liars thus I don’t lie. I like to keep a cool mind and when I say something I want it to be something useful because I honestly hate people who say shit that is completely bogus or useless. Every word I say has to count when I am in the mood. I use to always tell myself when I was a teenager.. I wanted to leave a mark on everyone’s life. I wanted to prove to everyone that there is still good people out there, still willing to help, still willing to make other’s happy and laugh even when they aren’t happy, willing to believe and understand whatever it is you’re going through so you don’t ever feel as if you’re the only one. I guess it’s what attracts people towards me, but also no matter how distant we can grow they’d always know that I’m always here for them.
Probably the last thing I realized about myself is that I don’t seem to change.. I may have gotten older, clothes gotten older, but no matter what, my heart has always been the center of all my reason. One of my beliefs(shared with a special someone) is that “Love is the answer, at least to all the questions in my heart. Like why we’re here, where do we go, and why is life so hard?” Yes that’s from a song, but Love has always been the answer to everything in my heart. The God I believe in would have to be the God that’s inside my heart, the love inside my heart.
I can’t say I’m complete with my analyse on myself.. I already know that no matter what the consequences, I’ll either end up with the perfect one for me or completely alone. Right now, the loneliness is stacking heavily upon my heart. The one that completes me, it may be too late. I honestly feel like I’ve been in love with her way before I even met her.. She’s possibly the one I’ve been waiting searching for my whole life, as foolish as I sound, I don’t want to try with anyone else.. My heart is stubborn, but I know if it’s meant to be it will happen. I’ll end up alone, or alone with her. Right now she doesn’t even know how much my heart pains, I’m already confused on where to go from here.
If you can hear me, please don’t leave me behind too. This world feels so fake, but with you, I feel more connected to you more than anything else I have ever felt.
“Come and share your emptiness with me” -Utada